dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Let's paint friendship bongs
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
