woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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