I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
