i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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