i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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