You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
