seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
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How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
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I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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