Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
What a dumb baby whore.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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