he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
