My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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