her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
