youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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