Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So much rum. So many feels.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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