I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
