Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
