Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
