While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
