yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
