I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
