So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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