when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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