Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just invented taco cereal.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I smell like Dick and happiness
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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