Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
