It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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