im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
