whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
