This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
