my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
