my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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