i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
