then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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