Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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