I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
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