Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
