I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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