: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
