What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
