he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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