I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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