Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My dick has a subreddit
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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