Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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