proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
