I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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