Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
