i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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