I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
