Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
