It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
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I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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