My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
