How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
