Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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