Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
