the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
