Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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