I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
