It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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