Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
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I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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