I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
